25 October 2011

Guest Speaker Addresses the Inner-Workings of the Female Body

I am re-blogging the following post, mostly because I laughed about it all day yesterday.  It is written by my beautiful, feminist, existentialist, neuroscience-major who is on her way to tour the country attending, like, 80 different medical school interviews.  Homegirl's got sass.  Read on.  Unless you're weirded out by stuff like this...  Read Sierra's blog here.  As I commented to her, I'm so happy that someone finally explained this to me without using the words "flower," "cherry," "hee hee," "hoo hoo," or "ho ho!"  And without further ado, I give you...

"The Cycle" Explained

Men, this post is about "the cycle." If the acknowledgment of the existence of female hormones causes you unbearable discomfort, I recommend leaving this webpage and checking out The Art of Manliness instead. Your testosterone level is guaranteed to rise by as much as 0.5%! To my female friends, you can probably commiserate on the subject.

First of all, I'd like to dispel some popular beliefs about the cycle. The cycle:
  • does not correlate with the phases of the moon
  • contrary to popular belief, menstruation is not the most hormonally dangerous part of the cycle (it's ovulation you gotta watch out for! I'll explain why later...)
  • does NOT incapacitate women from effectively serving their fellow humans :)

With that knowledge safely tucked away in our brains, I will now explain how "the cycle" can influence women's emotions and perceptions throughout its 28 days of biological mayhem!

Day 1-7: Menstruation, which means the lining of the uterus decides to exit the body in the most violent manner possible. Hormone levels are reasonably stable, so it's not "hormones" causes the women in your life to chase you with an ax; rather, the muscular cramping, low iron levels, fatigue, and sheer annoyance of perpetually bleeding puts women into a fearsome state. For women with endomytriosis, this part of the process is extremely painful and can knock them out for a few days. Be very wary of a woman on days 1-7.
Days 7-13: Proliferation. The uterine lining is fattening up, hoping to have a fertilized egg happily implanted into its snuggy warmth. Estrogen levels are on a steady incline, which means women have inexplicable giggling fits and think puppies are more adorable than usual.
Day 14: Ovulation. The scariest day in any single woman's life. Why? Because this is prime baby-making time! Every hormonal signal in a woman's body on this day is telling her to get impregnated and to do it NOW! FSH, LH, and progesterone levels all shoot through the roof. All men are attractive. Public nudity may occur. It is the only day of the month that a NCMO sounds incredibly appealing. Women on day 14 are downright dangerous, and the single ones should probably be quarantined for the day.
Days 14-28: Luteal phase. Basically, the woman's uterus starts to realize, with some disappointment, that it is not enjoying the company of a fertilized egg. Out of sheer frustration, it prepares to forcefully eject the uterine lining when the cycle repeats on day 1.

1 comment:

  1. As a guy who has two older sisters...I add my stamp of approval. Very well put!