22 January 2012

Concert Etiquette or, The Embarrassing Parts of Living in Provo

So Matt Costa came to Provo town.  For the past 2 weeks or so, as I walked by several posters advertising his upcoming BYU concert, this question kept entering my mind:  WHY?  

I mean, he's Matt Costa.  He's a fantastic musician.  He's up there with the likes of Jack Johnson, Mason Jennings, and other Brushfire greats.  What could possibly attract him to perform at BYU?  Does he realize what he's getting himself in to?  I was overjoyed and tremendously worried at the same time.

You see, Mormons do not know concert etiquette.  They are clueless.  Typically, when I refer to Mormons in this context, I'm talking about the born-and-raised Utah Valley-ites.  I'm not friends with a lot of you, but if one of your kind happens to be reading this, here is a healthy serving of food for thought.  Bon appetit.

At one point during the show, dear Matt said something along the lines of, "I'd like to thank Brigham Young University for having me out tonight.  There's no place I would rather be."  I can tell you right now, if I was a famous musician, BYU is the LAST place I would ever perform at.  Here's why:

First, meet Dream Couple.  Dream Couple is composed of the World's Most Idiotic Man and the World's Most Idiotic Woman.  They've found each other!  Can you believe it?  Soul mates!   An artistic rendering of Dream Couple is found below.

No, your eyes are not playing tricks on you.  Midst a thronging crowd of eager concert-goers, Dream Couple sprawls out like they're sunbathing in frickin St. Tropez.  RIGHT in the front.  Behind the blue anti-groupie rope.  First, I was confused.  Did they slip?  Should I help them up?  Then, I was annoyed.  Who do they think they are, taking up room for at least 8 people and preventing any one of those 8 people from getting a good view of the stage???  

I suffered through my annoyance only for about 4 songs of the opening band.  I couldn't take it any longer.  Not to mention my view was becoming more and more hindered by, well, anyone over the height of 4'11".  So I did what any sane person would do and awkwardly stepped over Dream Couple and stood in the spot marked with a big red X.  Ah, perfect.  Prime location.  Not 3 seconds passed before I feel a pinch on my boot.  I turn around to a fiery cloud of expletives as Dream Couple chews my head off for obstructing their perfect view.  I civilly inform them that there are no assigned seats, and that there is plenty of room right in front of them for me to stand.  If they would like to see better, they can stand up as well.  LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.  Well that didn't fly.  Oh no.  I was yelled at and cursed at more than I have been since my mission, and even then, swearing doesn't hit as hard when it's in a foreign language.  Actually, I don't think I've ever been cussed out in my native language.  Interesting that my first time was at a BYU function.  And it was ugly, let me tell you.  I just turned around and tried to enjoy the show, but I was a bit shaken up. You would be shaken up too if you were whipped with the venomous tongues of Dream Couple, oh-so-ironically clad in a BYU sweatshirt for her and an Elmo beanie (yes, as in Sesame Street) for him.  It was difficult to take them seriously. (I tried to draw an Elmo beanie, but it just made him look like Santa.)   

Then, THEN, the Dumb Crowd Control Dude had the nerve to come up to me and say "Now, I'm not telling you to move, I'm just asking you to consider that they were here first."  I told him that I wasn't moving.  He was, like, 18.  I couldn't take him seriously either.  

HAVE THESE PEOPLE EVER BEEN TO A CONCERT IN THEIR LIFE???!  I mean, outside of Vocal Point or MoTab.  Seriously!  Do you understand how this works?  I can't tell you how many times I have been smashed up and spooned against beer-breath moshers all in the name of a great stage-front spot.  That's just how it is!  The joy of concerts!  I don't care if this was Matt Costa and not Flogging Molly, and that his audience would more likely elicit pot smoking chill-ness than beer drinking mad-ness.  The front is STILL prime and anyone who can fight for it deserves it.  I started thinking I had gone crazy; that somehow my logic was off.  But my friends and other bystanders assured me I was not insane.  So I held my ground.  

The other reason I would never perform at BYU is this: BYU students are rude.  I was so utterly embarrassed by the amount of people talking.  I did not picture them above.  They were behind the normal concert-goers.   At one point, I couldn't hear what Matt Costa was saying because of the overwhelming background noise of stupid kids who thought they were at a stake dance, not a concert.  It was incredibly disrespectful.  Just shootin' the breeze.  Obviously had no idea who Matt Costa was.  And they, too, had never been to a concert and had no clue how ridiculous they were being.  

The MC applauded us for a sell-out show and suggested the idea of even more big names coming to play at BYU.  God forbid.  I don't think I could stomach another BYU show.  Matt, if you read this (I know you secretly follow my blog), I sincerely apologize on behalf of my colleagues.  There is no excuse for them. 

Happy Sunday: Learning Lessons the Hard Way

Welp, it snowed fo' realz.  High time.  The state with the "Greatest Snow on Earth" is finally living up to it's name.  Joyful skiers, boarders, snowman-builders, and towing companies abound!  This video was taken yesterday, up in Bountiful.  Had I a front porch with a view of this sort of entertainment, I would want for nothing.

I realize it is twisted, but this video gives me inexplicable joy!  I've watched it 3 times now and each time, I swear, it gets more hilarious!  'Tis sad that I get such pleasure from watching cars crash.  It's no wonder that I love demolition derbies so much.  Like, seriously.  Probably in the top 5 things I miss about living in Northern Idaho.  

Well with that segue into this week's Happy Sunday message...

Why do we LOOOOVE to learn things the hard way?  We totally do.  It's a pride thing.  In reality, our lives could be so much easier if we'd learn lessons from those who have gone before us.  Really people, we ought to learn from their mistakes than foolishly believe that we can somehow turn out better than the trailblazers who already tested the waters, figured out it's not worth drinking, and duly warned us.  But, like each car coming down that road of death, we tend not to heed the warning, or notice the signs of impending danger.  One would think that a mass of cars in ditches, in yards, and in the wrong lane would be adequate warning that, oh hey, this road is super slippery--slow down NOW.

As tempting as it may be and as humble as you are not feeling, don't do it.  Don't go down that road.  You know it yields nothing but pain, misery, disappointment, and increased insurance rates.  In the Book of Mormon, Nephi prays for resistance against aforesaid temptation.  His humility is particularly noteworthy.
May the gates of hell be shut continually before me, because that my heart is broken and my spirit is contrite! O Lord, wilt thou not shut the gates of thy righteousness before me, that I may walk in the path of the low valley, that I may be strict in the plain road!  (2 Nephi 4:32)
Happy Sunday, e'erbody.  Stick to the plain road.
With love,

21 January 2012

I Miss Jimmer (Part III)

Well we all know how much I wanted him on our football team.  But what about the men's volleyball team?  Now that's a thought.  I couldn't resist imagining Little Jim Jim setting and spiking as I watched our #1-ranked team playing crushing USC last night.  If only...

And to all of you nerds out there who are complaining about Jimmer's NBA performance, I'd like to see you go from college standards to professional (EVEN if you were the NCAA MVP) and maintain the glory you had at your alma mater.  Have patience with the young grasshopper!  Oy vey.

15 January 2012

Happy Sunday: The Civility Experiment

I won't lie.  As much as I loved watching this video, I equally hated watching it.  Who do I profess to be?  A daughter of God.  A follower of Christ.  But do my actions, thoughts, comments always reflect that?  Not by a long shot. I am as big of a hypocrite that the woman in this video calls herself out for being.

And who isn't, honestly?  But that is no justification for un-Christlike behavior.

May we not be burdened with futile attempts to be perfect.  That is fruitless.  May we, however, seriously strive to embrace more fully the Golden Rule.  To seek out the good in people.  To see them as God sees them.  

11 January 2012

What's in a name?

Welcome to Holden.  Population: weeds, trash, dirt, maybe a farmer or 2.  Located in the wastelands of Utah. I drive past this charming little...plot of land...on every trip to Southern Utah, Vegas, or California.  I smile for my name's sake.

Last week, whilst driving back from San Diego, on the final homestretch of the 11-hour journey, I was pulled over.  The Po-Po.  The Heat.  The 5-0.  The Fuzz. (That one's for you, Annie.)  They got me.  First time I've been pulled over since the week I got my license when I was 15, and a ginger version of Hitler asked for my registration and I gave him a receipt for a car tune-up.

But I wasn't even mad.  Why?  Because I was pulled over in Holden.  I was too impressed by the irony to be bothered.

10 January 2012


I bought my first pair.  I need a wardrobe that will command respect on behalf of my students.  Nothing commands respect like a pair of Oxfords.  I feel my IQ increase every time I put them on my feet.  I feel so scholarly!  So academic!  Remember this?  Same effect. 

08 January 2012

Happy Sunday: My New Year's Resolution

Adventures and Discoveries of 2011

The Adventures:

Hiking and camping in Zion National Park  
Heaven on Earth
Beating the system at Disneyland 
“Social Anxiety Disorder,” anyone?
  The Alps have a way of making me feel significantly smaller.  Didn’t think that was possible, did you?
  Who knew crepes, baguettes and kebabs could arouse so many memories?
Shenanigans in London 
It’s what you get when you have a local as your guide
Touring universities, graveyards and castle ruins in Scotland
I can’t tell you which were more ancient
Pub hopping in Ireland
  The Mother Land. The Home Turf.  And still #1 on my list of favorite countires.
  I have the greatest job ever
I may have found Zion’s rival  
  Cartel AND tourist-free!
A little Rogers, Hammerstein, and Tchaikovsky in San Diego
  I’ve lived in So Cal for over 14 years.  Why has it taken me this long to realize how great this city is?

The Discoveries:

  How dancing can mask working out
Spinach smoothies
  How fruit can mask the taste of vegetables
  The Office has seen its day
  I’m addicted
 Jimmermania!  Mittmania…?
 It’s only taken me 10 years
  An unexpected passion
Perhaps I am cut out for it?
  My Cupcake Rob post went so viral that it ended up with the subject wearing my nickname for him on his name tag at work.  I deserve a year’s supply of cupcakes for all the business I brought The Chocolate. 
Still not into Pinterest, though…
 Who knew it could be so enjoyable